I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
Yeah, all the sudden I heard a loud "ding" and realized I had been passed out on the dorm elevator for about an hour....
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
Just saw a dude hanging out a window upside down chugging a 60 of vodka. This weekend is big for everyone I guess
I am not ready to suck todays dick. Todays dick just laughed and came on my face.
They just called to see if he wanted to come in at 2am for overtime. He's trashed. He literally carried on a 10 minute convo with his boss about woodchucks. As in the animal
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
Once you've had an oral std scare, you're an expert.
I behisseth at your soul from the deepest darkest depths of the earth
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
Since moving to the suburbs, all I do is fuck my ex and watch cartoons. It's not so bad.
Randomize
