no you're not listening to me HE WANTED TO BRAID MY HAIR
we are cooking lunchables pizzas on a fire pit.
Had to use the product locator on on the four loko website to find them at home. Got to go in the backroom of a grocery store to get them. Dedication.
the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
Looks like he unfriended you too. I feel like we were both just handed negative pregnancy tests.
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
Like he was trying to be sexy but he had shit taste in porn so i left
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
Randomize
