You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
let's put it this way: i'm gonna stop drinking and get a gym membership. she's that hot
If we were to wake in ur bed together, what are the 3 words you would say to me?
Get out now.
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My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
Dating Detox Day 5: had to go out and buy new batteries. this may be harder than I thought
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
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I'm super stoned watching the vatican smoke cam. Come over.
I think it was clear she was setting us up when she brought me over to you and said "Present!"
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
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