I feel like our bond as friends is a lot stronger now that I've talked to you on the phone while having sex.
My underwear smells like fireworks.
It's Monday. What a great day to start the weekend on the week of st. Patricks day
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
I just realized. my grades aren't ready for st patties day...
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
Do to my newly discovered condition I'm having to resort to emergency beat sessions to avoid the temptation to text girls I know are easy slams.
So I just stole my deans keys to break into the dining hall to get coco puffs. I shouldn't have gone to this meeting stoned.
she basically told me that her vine videos last longer that I do
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
You're best friend just tackled me....naked....brought me to his room where he had freshly baked cinnamon rolls. I didn't know he could cook
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
Randomize
