mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
I used the word aforementioned in my paper. That's an automatic A in community college.
i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
Annd you probably wouldn't of fallen down the stairs if you didn't insist on taking 'finale shots'
she fucked me tho cuz it was her cat's birthday. As soon as we were done she just says "ahhh tequila tuesdays"
Sry I came all over your dress. Think of it as a Vegas souvenir.
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
Shame?!? Shame only comes from getting naked in front of strangers and it not being awesome
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
As much as I want you to bang someone other than me, he is an asshole.
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
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