Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
we could easily be the first people to smoke 3 bowls and pound a Four Loco before goin on a tour of the Tillamook cheese factory
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
I think your dick broke my retainer, I normally wouldnt care but my orthodontist died and I don't want my first appt to be blow job broken retainer with a new ortho.
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
At least I made out with him before he made out with that dog...
haha it's ok, I asked people. I was like "I'm high and lost" and the dude just said "That's my life. Love it."
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
Blood everywhere...karaoke was nice
I just asked him what would happen if my boobs fought crime. I think I'm cut off.
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
Randomize
