You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
I guess, just don't make it awkward
MY FUCK BUDDY'S MOTHER FRIEND REQUESTED ME! IT'S ALREADY AWKWARD COREY
I know. It's cray. Crayon. Crayolaaaaa.
I fingered myself to realization that I don't need birth control if there is never a guy.
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
I traded him cumming in my face for a year for a Disney annual pass. One giant leap back for feminism, one small step for the adult child Disney fan.
I wanna riverboat gamble on your vaginal waters. Just sayin
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
I can tell that I'm high when listening to celine dion becomes such a life changing experience
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