soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
His facebook status was woke up with a whale ..... Captain AHAB IS BACK !!!!!
Maybe someone other than the mad hatter should have gone with him to the ER
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
she's unstoppable after she starts doing shots and yelling NANNER
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
Hes wearing a shirt that says warning shitshow and i cant help but think his attorney made him wear it so ppl know the dangers.
Whatever happend to that lawsuit where he got sued for shittig in that fish tank
that was THE gayest party i've ever been to
To be fair, the theme was Cabaret. I don't know what you were expecting.
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
There's a guy running dressed as a bunny toward your house.
my goldfish that i got the day i lost my virginity just died. im terrified as to what this symbolically means for my sex life
Randomize
