I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
you went through ur friends list and posted an obscene comment on every ultrasound pic...."not his" "looks like a sea monkey"
We have a drunken confused pantless man in our apt. Boots.
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
I think I'm goin to jail but either way I had a blast.
I did not have sex with him because he had a puppy…finding out he had a husky pup waiting back at home was just an unexpected plus
We broke into the kitchen, stole cooking aprons, and wore them on the dance floor.
Family trip though. I generally don't wheel too much ass with the fam in tow. Despite the fact my parents would be pleased if I did.
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
Dude, my back STILL hurts from carrying the team on BP last night.
Randomize
