Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
Crown is evil. It plays hide and seek with my morals
just bought miller high life, hungry man dinners, and a bottle of lube. you win life, you win.
we just made rock paper scissors into a drinking game
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
I'm suffering a hangover from deep within. I feel like the half of the parts of my body are permanently laced with alcoholic substances
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
If you fold the laundry; booze and orgasms on me.
I had to fake it. He was punching my vagina like it owed him money and enough was enough.
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
Randomize
