I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
Cumbucket.....OH MY GOD THAT COMES UP AUTOMATICALLY NOW!!
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
there's a guy pushing a keg up the street in a shopping cart. you have to love graduation
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
I would like to apologize for my MANY attempts of trying to motor boat you.
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
He slapped my ass... He best ask me out. Or figure out how to unslap my ass.
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
Me and my dad hot boxed a hotel bathroom... That's what I call father son bonding
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