I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
I feel like the only solution to this is to get naked and lay in the shower for a hour then see what my penis wants to do.
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
She had her pubic hair down there shaved into the superman s............. Best one night stand ever.
So if I run into you on the street, I'm supposed to just stop drop and suck your dick?
I crawled to the bathroom this morning there were cornpops scattered on the floor? What was I doing last night?
We were high and the scary movies were scaring us too bad. Were all watching porn instead now
Randomize
