if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
shes wearing a jean skirt, its frayed. i got this
blowing a .13 at 10 AM isn't nearly as cool as I thought it would be.
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
It's sitting in bleach right now. You will be the creepiest coolest dude in my book if you made a bracelet from my tooth.
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
He started tongueing his parfait and told "thats what I'd to your ass" in the middle of Starbucks. Of course i brought him home
it'll be like a game of Russian Roulette, but with my vagina.
I saw the president of my women in business club at the bar last night...I was gonna thank her for teaching me the business skills to create my own fake to get in... then i decided not
Wow dude wow that's sad man so sad. I dno't event wanna massturbate anymore due to teh sadness
I'm with the cops, Trish's gay husband stabbed himself and is framing her for attempt of murder and I'm dressed 4 the club I'm wearing leather pants leather jacket leather boots and black club top. Embarrassed
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
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