between no blow jobs for the rest of his life, or no cheese for the rest of his life, he chose no blowjobs. ive never felt so bad about my bj abilities before
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
Hey everyone. This evenings celebration will commence with a cocktail hour at genghis at 830 to be followed with an upscale dining experience at taco bell at 10. All are welcome. This is not a joke. Thank you
It was all cool until he grabbed my vag and started screaming: THIS IS MINE.
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
You said this was your mistake shot and then vomited on the tv. Never forget.
You should be able to leave recommendations on Tinder.
If you wake up with half a an eyebrow.... I'm pretty sure it was a good time.
Sometimes a man just deserves to get woken up with a blowjob.
I wouldn't have found her if it wasn't for the vomit trail leading into my brother's room.
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