my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
what if every blade of grass was a penis?
So the weirdest part of it all was he whispered in my ear "can i eat you out on your tredmill?" I dont find him attractive at all anymore
He told us that was the only place he could get service when we found him in the closet passed out with a beer
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
Good news. Isn't krabs. Bad news. Not sure what it is. Worse news. Encouraged not to fuck till known. Great news getting laid tonight
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
i love him because he let me keep my UGGS on while we had sex
You shouted "FUCK SHANIA TWAIN" and then downed an Aquafina bottle of white wine none of us knew how to react
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
She turned down sex for beer pong. I'm not sure if I should be disappointed or not.
I will find, mount, and marry that person.
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