Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
he got instantly turned off in the middle of a blowjob when he heard the news "twilight beat the blockbuster record of batman"
and then he said "my sister has the same underwear!" please come get me.
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
i found you on the dancefloor with your cell phone to your ear saying that you didn't like the music they played at the club so you were going to listen to your own
there COULD be a gas leak in our house... proceeding to smoke with extreme caution...
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
Nope. He totaled my car then moved back to Louisiana to work things out with baby mama. I sure know how to pick em
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
We had sex on the playground and then walked around his neighborhood grading houses based on their Christmas decorations
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
I had one beer! ONE BEER! They took shots in mourning of my tolerance last night. My ability to drink is a joke.
using my tits for other peoples nudes hit me up business in the making
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
Randomize
