I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
You couldn't hold yourhead up but you managed to unzip my zipper. That's skill..
When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
Some might say its sad that I am willingly picking up a coke habit to be the skinniest bridesmaid... I think it shows my great dedication and proves I should have been maid of honor.
Please do us both a favor and come rip my clothes off.
It isn't possible and the very mindfuck of that concept gives me a lady boner.
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
I brought ur friend Scotty home... He started rubbing my crotch then fell down and passed out in front of the microwave
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
Can I send you a random dick pic? It's got a lightsaber tattoo
Randomize
