I think you came in my ear last night and I had to pick it out infront of my kids in class today
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
already putting money aside for 4/20. you ready for the greatest tuesday ever?
Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
well considering we left the bathroom with the mirror off the wall, a bloody nose, and clothes all messed up they assume im just a coke whore now..
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
Clearly that person doesn't understand how efficient getting drunk and working out at the same time is.
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
I didn't have the heart to tell him that the reason my vagina was so "prelubricated" was because I had just had another gentleman caller an hour earlier. So, when he commented about how turned on I appeared, I just went with it.
So what's the moral standing on reading gay porn on your phone whilst sitting next to your 87 year old Grandma?
So I'm guessing that puking on a camper is a straight path to instant termination?
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
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