just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
I feel like I need to get rid of the black eyeliner, glitter, and tequila breath before I to that world poverty conference..
She's riding a tiny four-wheeler and has a Dos Equis in her hand. I at least have to meet her.
I'll sleep on the bed... The couch is now designated banging area. Any banging performed outside of that area will be subject to fines of cleaning up stains.
Just because its your birthday does not mean u can play quarters by dropping quarters into cups to make me drink.
Just hit him with your car. I can guarantee he won't do it again.
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
I don't understand how 5 bottles of booze became normal or acceptable per 2.5 people
He burnt his arm on the grill, then turned around and started blaming it on the burger buns...I think it's safe to say he's drunk.
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
So is that the only criterion for shenanigans now? Don't die?
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
Randomize
