my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
So as she is about to take the walk of shame she flips out. Apparently someone left a brown present in her shoes.
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
Maybe I'm just didn't notice and imagined a different penis as a Freudian coping mechanism?
I may not be his cup of tea, but I bet I'm his 10th shot of tequila
It's probably not healthy how legit bummed I am that my bottled of wine is gone.
only I would find a long lost relative through a craigslist casual encounters ad
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
the quiet that you are hearing is a silent suggestion that you should go fuck yourself
Y’all did coke off my Puff The Magic Dragon plate.😂
I cannot believe I accepted his penis into my body.
The kid with the ed hardy shirt put a bunch of random shit in the washer and turned it on. example: a hanger, the movie Chocolate with Johnny Depp, and your mom's cat
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
Randomize
