I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
if you do not get any action from him tonight, I am personally walking my drunk ass over there grabbing his tongue and sticking it in your mouth. this is getting ridiculous
he asked me to have sex with him by saying 'take one for the team'. so no we didn't do it.
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
the lesbians just got naked and went into the ocean... this never happened when i was a camper.
Like "oh its Monday, gotta get wasted today!" not "oh its Monday.. Gotta go to class"
i refuse to give everyone the satisfaction of seeing the results of my acting on my thoughts
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
I got your flops too. But yeah you rolled off your raft a bunch of times so we had to ask the white trash squad to help you back on. You bit one of them
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
Questions: How did Rachel get home? Why did I find both her ID's in my shoes? And does anyone know if she's alive?
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
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