I'm pants shitting drunk right now
There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
dude, that chick is coming to see me and stay for 2 nights. I'm hitting the 3rd in the trifecta of friends.
You're one hell of a depraved bastard dude, I'm borderline speechless. You officially win.
They all have matching tattoos so they're all official bffs. I love my life.
true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
you kept calling numbers in ur phone book and saying, "I love your show, I'm a long time listener, first time caller."
I wish scraping a resin bowl could be considered cleaning.
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
She's in the middle of blacking out but is singing Mariah carey songs. Hitting every note.
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
I already googled the effects of Molly with my antibiotics, I should be fine.
Why is there even a knowledge base for that?!
Dude for real though, we gotta stop getting hammered and kissing gay guys.
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
Randomize
