I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
He;s fine. He just kept saying "hurricane Gordon is coming to shore" and flexed his muscles a lot.
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
I'm just going to take the mature adult root and ignore him for a bit, and then pretend like I didn't see him jerking off.
So if I run into you on the street, I'm supposed to just stop drop and suck your dick?
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
Randomize
