what do kids with lesbian moms do for father's day? like do you talk about it? is it awkward? do you get the butchy mom a card?
what day is it and did you see me today?
fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
I just want to fuck you then discuss implications of our existence afterwards. Then Doritos and hot tub.
I suppose I should wish you a happy one year of bumping uglies
I've drank literally 19 beers and am still good. Utah is worthless
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
leave me alone I'm becoming one with nature and doing plant things
They also submitted to my demands for pizza
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
Being severely attracted to someone you find is your cousin just made my list of top 10 worst feelings
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
Randomize
