Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
what made you think it was a good idea to trust the girl that hides tequila in her backpack?
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
all i seem to do anymore is lay around stoned, naked and eating mangoes
I'm not sure, but I think she had a tampon in when we fucked
Then he told me he was proud of me for remembering that i blew him that night.. Maybe my drinking is getting out of hand.
she cried into her fur with two handfuls of money- she was the physical manifestation of white girl problems
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
i don't know man... i just want to listen to John Lennon every time i finish fucking her. is this love?
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
A stripper set a mans ass on fire... the club smelled like burning ass and boxers.
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