I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
No matter how fun it seemed the night before you will always regret taking those pictures, you will always regret eating as much as you did, but you will never regret the great lengths you had to got to get those bruises.
I'm not 100% on this, but I'm pretty sure I just accidently talked my way into a threesome.
We are taking shots for every green Lon-Capa box we get for the homework.
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
his finger was half off and he was more concerned that he wasnt at home shooting cucumbers out of his potato gun.
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
He gave me an orgasim so fantastic that I had an asthma attack.
using my tits for other peoples nudes hit me up business in the making
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.
Randomize
