Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
these 2 russian guys walked past me and i got freaked out because i thought call of duty got real
Our professor just said "No class today, go get stoned." A guy seriously walked over and hugged him.
It's confirmed I did eat a ping pong ball last night...
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
We just took turns doing keg stands. 27 is way too old for this. Out of 5 of us, our best time was 9 seconds.
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
i know. like I have the nerve to talk about poverty. I eat peanut butter out of the jar.
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!