I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
My room should be renamed "Land of the Misfit Condoms."
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
Is This New Dating App Elitist…Or Genius?
he went down on me with a nose plug on, you tell me how it went
Just threw the poptarts. Sgits boutta go Down. 1 liter of wine
I dont know, my roommate got arrested but I'm gunna get some tacos no matter what
If you wondered to yourself today, "did Sarah break her bathing suit strap and flash a pool full of children," the answer is yes.
He gave me four orgasms and I kept yelling "Thank you!" and he kept replying, "My pleasure!"
Stay Away From These 29 Online Dating Red Flags
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
Of course I have a pirate flag
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
I can't hang out with this penis. I'll start thinking I like the person it belongs to.
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.