Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
im pretty sure there are laws against slapping prostitutes
i'm pretty sure there are laws against prostitutes.
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
My sister was crawling her way home and kept asking us to carry her,then she insisted on grabbing at our ankles til she passed out, how was your night?
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
There is a really great story behind the missing Coco Puffs and vodka mystery
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
I think after tonight I'm 85% lesbian
You planned on giving him head in the shower?
More like I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
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