Alex, there's no such thing as a fancy sex store.
We had a race to see who could chug their vodka tonic faster. College doesn't seem to be working for me... I'm getting exponentially dumber
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
He's covered in dirt and enchiladas. We're going drinking now.
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
I sang "A Whole New World" while I took his virginity
That is awesome that you did that.
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
Randomize