Knee deep in strippers, everything is comped. will try hard to be there at 8. i promise.
FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
I just used my thong as a hair tie. I think I reached my limit.
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
Hefty paycheck and not get wasted can't exist in the same night
She's doing hand stands on the train as I type. Idk if I'm impressed it embarrassed. Or turned on.
Thanks to you and Ketel One I now have a court summons with the actual word "frolicking" on it.
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
i had to call the bar to ask if they found my bowling ball. That good of a night
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
Randomize
