Take xtc, wait 20 minutes and then take a shower. Trust me.
Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
dude she was so drunk she thought Jim Joyce made the right call
we've been doin it since '07. it's like married sex now, were both comfortable so neither of us really tries anymore, we just do it because it's convenient
Ya well my good-girl image was pretty much blown when he found out I'm going to jail soon.
My cock is literally on the edge of falling off. Fuck Vegas.
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
On a scale of one to liver failure, how bad would it be if I played thunderstruck alone?
You were a hurricane of blowjobs and glitter makeup. You came out of the closet and took the house down with it
Peeing in taco bell cups is part of the fun of going to taco bell
I'd say I was is in rare form last night but it's becoming pretty common.
Quit giving me a hard time, whens the last time you got head every night? Cougars are where its at they dont play games
Randomize
