he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
Don't do anything you wouldn't want to explain to paramedics
But that's half the fun of it
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
I think I threw my underwear away at What-A-Burger last night.
There's a bus with a band full of dancing women in bras. I think I like it here.
why does CNN give a flying $@*# about the royal baby so, so much?
i hope they name him Joffrey
Just woke up in my fuck buddies bed with, from the looks of her ass and side boob, a girl that is not my fuck buddy. This should be interesting
I'd do them all but honestly I'm so high that I probably should have a chaperone.
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
Randomize
