I wonder who the first pervert was, and if he would be proud of me for advancing his art form by so much
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
the trail of clothing leading from the bed to the door was in the exact order i needed to put them on. underwear near the bed shoes by the door.
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
Randomize
