dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
so i woke up.. still drunk and discovered my roommate in the living room passed out dick-in-hand watching porn..
What did u do?
turned the porn up and opened the windows so everybody goin to class could see him..
mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
He was so bad, he was dry humping me and his dick was nowhere close to my vagina.
i just kept saying he was red & i was blue and we couldnt become purple. I started crying at one point
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
there was 'chicken suit porn' in my search history.......also 'scuba diving porn'
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
It's not above me to sleep with him solely for his authentic budweiser shirt
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
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