I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
he said he "kind of had sex before.. Barely" i think it was one of those situations where you slide into home and get tagged out.
Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
Then he said,"I love you like a sister I like to have sex with."
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
Also I like oatmeal more than sex.
MANIFESTATION IS REAL AND IM GETTING LAID TONIGHT
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
Randomize
