Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
At a St Pats house party. Just raised $110 for two short chicks to crawl into a dog cage together. Video forthcoming. Respect.
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
Given everything we have talked about, is it wrong to ask you to be faithful to me, despite still dating him?
Wow I didn't even consider the possibility of him having ED. I'm gaining so many life experiences from dating an older man
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
Yea we just broke up
so do we start sexting now or later?
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
but I truly enjoy making out with my best friend more than my boyfriend
Swimming turned traumatic when grampas shorts slipped off..
I'm both gender and math confused
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
Randomize
