well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
My jaw hurts. Such a slutty injury..
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
My vibrator challenges you to a duel.
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
Rain ponchos don't count as shirts at the bar. FYI.
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
Dude just pulled his dick out and started stroking it and making s sound like cocking a shotgun....wtf was in those e pills
That man deserves a slow clap... He defied the power of the vagina
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
He talked me out going to the bar. No one ever talks me out going to the bar..this is fucking love.
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
Randomize
