dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
I just saw a pair of panties stretched over a fire hydrant on campus... I need to get the fuck out of this town
Just walked by a guy on campus YELLING 'Im still hammered'
The tent neighbors already set us on fire w an errant roach. How do you think Bonnaroo's going?!
It was like good, clean fun, but with bodyshots.
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
Jameson and I invented street rugby last night. Yeah
Pounding your chest saying "me Tarzan" is not flirting or even talking
the new numbers in my phone would beg to differ
Is it possible to rally from a drunken seizure?
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
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