i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
She told me that when she orgasms she just lays there like that baby from teenmom. Who the fuck says that
She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this
I actually don't know if I can stand up. I just know better than to try
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
WHY ARE YOU SMOKING WEED WHEN YOU JUST HAD A STROKE. AND MORE IMPORTANTLY WHY ARE YOU DOING IT WITHOUT ME.
I think you were giving a sex seminar on your kitchen table last night.
Between my sister puke and rallying at the bar and my brother sending a drunk passed out naked pic in which his dick was exposed, I don't know which sibling to be more proud of this weekend.
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
just call my name and ill be there, if we are puking, beating up bitches, or pickin up men, OR avoiding wierd men, so many situations require a wingman
Randomize
