I don't know how much more of summer my liver can take.
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
but they dont look like handprints. looks like someone had a boxing match with my tits and my tits lost
I said that I'm avoiding parties and guys, and the freshman girl just laughed
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
I love you but I don't want to see you naked.
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
we just got sex advice from a midget. You better fucking get here.
You should of known that i was high if i refer to myself as melting into anything
I just remembered that I insisted everyone watch porn together last night.
Okay so my roommate deals some drugs so whenever he leaves we can hook up, be ready
I didn't know I was the on call booty call damn
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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