I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
I just want to fall into a pit of xannies and eat my way out.
He tried to stop traffic by waving his half eaten pizza at cars.... And we were stupid enough to cross .....??!!!
They live across the street from a school baseball field so they have porter potties across the street and let's just say that I'm grateful they exist
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
Just check with her if girls can get blown, that's all.
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
When the state fair security guard came to yell at her for having outside food and drink she threatened to kick him if he tried to stop her and then she proceeded to chug the whole bottle.
classic
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
Randomize
