I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
I had another sleeping on concrete incident.
and on the fourth day, god made foam parties.
all i remember is that her bootyshorts said 'shameless' and that there was no turning back.
Guy in our group took down a chick in a wheelchair last night.
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
When we do our power hour over Skype I'm just going to sit on the toilet so that way I won't have to get up in the middle of it and miss any shots
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
I realize ur driving andwont read this til u stop, but I'm sleeping in the bed of the pickup. Please don't hit a deer.
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
just drove past - why are you walking towards the shop in your pyjamas?
Can't talk, on a quest for bacon.
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
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