i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
She does have a great personality.
Yeah, in her vagina.
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
I miss you too. And it was nice meeting your brother while I was mounting you
She licked my face when I was on the phone with a customer and I just laughed. Im not sure if thats good or bad
We took her out for fresh air and next thing we knew, she was stumbling around the backyard picking dead leaves up off the ground and putting them in her shirt to "save them".
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
We need a hype man... Like a DMX type dude to just up the ante constantly...
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
So I've reached a new low. After completing my walk of shame and being told "see you around", I took off my heels to discover he had came in my shoe.
Costco cheesecake and whisky. A night made in heaven
I'm gonna try and get through this weekend sober, which is gonna be tough especially since I've already started drinking.
Fuck it, i havent messed around in half a year. I have sexual tension with a fire hydrant.
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