I am NOT getting arrested in a batman mask
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
she wants me to text her or call her all the time when we are apart...this is not high school...
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
should my break up email to my English professor be in MLA format?
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
I just realized that in 3 weeks it becomes sad if I make everything into a drinking game. Fuck growing up
They've taken all the lighthearted fun out of S&M.
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
No fucking Jell-O shots or meth. Those are the rules
You kept singing "your gonna lose that girl" to him right in front of her.. of course you got punched in the face.
Randomize