So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
The way you explained my vagina was exactly the way I would of described my breakfast burrito.
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
just chugged some gatorade and threw it up. todays gonna be awesome
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
there was a trail of blood coming out of one of the bathroom stalls. thought of you
And by "got a tattoo" i mean i got a tattoo in the dorm bathrooms with a guy using his cousin's tattoo gun.
he spent an hour trying to convince us that Ted Nugent is Kid Rock from the future. by the end of it i was very close to believing him.
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
Pretty sure the shower sex fucked up my hip alignment... im walking like im 104 today
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
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