my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
My dad caught me fucking in the pool last night. He proceeded to tell me I needed to "quiet things down" while this guys dick was still in me. Worst daughter ever.
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
Well, let's see..I held him while he cried for 30-40 minutes, woke up on his couch AND he gave me a ride home in his underwear. Shit show is not even the half of it.
When he sent me a picture, I swear my vag frowned. That tiny.
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
Are you aware that you called me "Sexy clit lady" last night?
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
Yeah, great now I will be tampon girl
I just kept hitting the drum to get thru the crowd to the bar. Surprisingly it worked
i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
On a scale of one to ten how bad is it that the first cardio I've done in months is jogging to the bars?
I'll just go with dedication.
Randomize
