We're pre-gaming then going to chuck e cheese's.
If you're joking I'm going to be sad
You said you were collecting Asians for your Kate Gosselin costume.
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
You said you wanted to wrap his dick in a tortilla and make a spicy burrito. Let me just say, most girls don't have this hard of a time getting laid.
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
They have a genuine stripper pole secured to the floor of their living room. I am thoroughly take advantage of it. I've made $5 so far. Why don't more places have poles??!
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
I just feel like I'm worth a little bit more than your recycled nudes...
After last night I am convinced that you are the human embodiment of alcoholism and bad decisions.
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
Alright, I've had enough of this good girl shit. Tonight you either blackout or backout.
Randomize
