Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
yeah that facebook group of people who have had sex with me probably isn't to discreet...
You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
I kept calling his name while we were having sex cuz i was so proud that i remembered it.
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
HOW LONG TILL THESE DRUGS WEAR OFF. I WORK IN ONE HOUR, I REPEAT, I WORK IN ONE HOUR.
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
She was bending and I said "finally, about time". Wrong, she was tying her shoe. No blowjobs for me.
Last thing I remember is whiskey shots. My roommate tells me we were there 15min before I decided to run home naked. And we live across from a police station.
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
I need a "no soliciting" sign for your dick
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