Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
He broke hus nose arm jousting with the traffic cones... We need to make head shots illegal or get helmets or something
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
at any given day I am at least 60% invested in my work. today I am staggered around 3.5%
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
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