y did u give ur computer a hand job?
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
his balls ACTUALLY tasted like nuts
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
I didn't know people actually cried after sex.
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I only got lap dances from the ugliest strippers, i couldnt stop myself from laughing the entire time.
There are five fire trucks here and needless to say my booty call left so come back home whenever you like
His mom walking in on us having sex was probably the highlight of the night
Maybe. I want to have sex at the fire station, most likely on one of the trucks. I wonder if I can finagle that before I tire of the spelling and grammatical errors in his texts.
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
We sat at the bar and made fun of everyone around us. I'm in love
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
Randomize
