I am puke
so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
She is banging on the liquor store door begging them to let her come in.
I just want to jump into a ballpool of dicks now.
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
Operation: sleep in every bed at the boys' house is nearing completion. Now at 5/9. I AM GOLDILOCKS AND NO ONE CAN STOP ME
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
I'm so confused as to where the sexual euphemisms end and the drinking starts
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
I feel like parents watching our children. You want to step in and help them but you just have to let them make their mistakes
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
This conversation went from me banging other women's husbands to learning about baked goods. If that isn't personal growth I don't know what is.
Randomize
