Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
Need sex. Gaining weight.
sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
ok, i just want to know who did it and which end it came out of
Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
I love online classes. Spent the last part of my lecture taking apart a teabag and filling it with weed.
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
We will. we just need a little inspiration.... in smoke form.
tried to suck my ex boyfriends dick last night at a bar... Happy homecoming from me to you
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
I don't remember anything from last night, but at track I found my thong next to the high jump pit... So it must has been decent
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