Is showing up wearing the condom a bit presumptus
hows the party?
ists fjcssing insceredle
be there in 10
Too long to explain. Basically I started an electircal fire. No one was hurt except for a box of cereal near the outlet.
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
I know I said I wouldn't, but he told me I looked like Mila Kunis. Reasons not to fuck him, go.
would you say our friendship is at the "help each other shave animal patterns in each other's pubes" phase?
We're stoned and watching little Einstein videos. Come. Over. Now.
WHY AM I THE ONLY ONE CONCERNED ABOUT THE SEAGULL IN THE OVEN
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
He's an acquired taste, like S&M or those crunchy things they put in salads
Croutons?
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
Randomize
