he made me stop in the middle of the blowjob to turn the tv towrds him. i then proceeded when he stopped me again to get him the remote. fuck me.
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
You should have been there. We got drunk and threw a sword through his windshield.
Don't play hard to get, I've seen some of the girls you've slept with.
Worst night here by far. And ive slipped in my own piss so thats saying something
At one point in time, he cried and said I didn't appreciate him.
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
Her life is filled with shit luck. Its like mother nature is having her period and just taking it out on her specifically.
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
I mean i can't really be mad...either way i was gonna fuck him or hate fuck him, so it's basically a win/win situation.
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
You fist bumped my dick last night saying good game. That you'll be back for the 2nd game...
Randomize
