i just watched a video of two girls fucking with a banana and i thought of you.
i hate you
THEY SHOULD WARN YOU WHEN THEY MAKE JELLO SHOTS WITH JACK DANIELS!!! THEY SHOULD WARN YOU!!!!!!!
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.
your optimism is becoming unhealthy
So I am guessing last night was a success we are all accounted for and only 3 of us have hospital bracelets on
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
OK, but next time I'd like to be present for our make-up sex.
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
Threesomes are not as fun as you'd think. I left with a black eye and I'm not sure who's to blame.
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
Is it sad that my idea of a quality foursome would involve one person eating me out while the other two rub my feet?
Did you at least know who's jizz it was?
That is questionable.
Randomize
