Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
I don't know if it's her mysterious past or atrocious grammar, but I think I'm in love.
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
triple team girl just facebook chatted me. do i tell her i had a nice time?
I am at the point where deciding not to drink alone is worth a rocky music montage in and of itself.
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
So it's national ass day?! I love October. No bra last Saturday and now ass day. This is my month. God is dedicating this October to me!
Either of you know why the shower was on and the bathroom door wide open with no one in there at 6 in the morning?
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Why the fuck is Ian Naked eating string cheese in my guest bedroom?
Randomize
