my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
three words: i give head
three words: not that well
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
I feel like his dick looks like a decorative autumn squash.
I finally looked at the pictures from last night thanks for feeding me and pulling my pants up
At this point the smell of shame has become my natural musk
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
He bought a sex swing! He's building the playground of my dreams!!!!
Your dick is going to fall off. Be careful or you'll get callouses. A workingman's dick.
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
Yea and there’s destruction when we’re together, mostly of our livers but W/e
we used a blowdryer last night to warm up our left over pizza..it worked perfectly at first..but then the chili powder got into his eyes..
Randomize
